marți, 1 februarie 2011

Because I know you'll understand

To my Dearest "K"....

Eleven months ago we sat in the bodega, drinking wine and smoking butts, cracking up with each other as we admitted to ourselves that our lives had become pointless materialistic voids centered around superficial NYC bullshit with no real meaning or purpose. It was that evening over two (6) bottles of wine that we both admitted that we needed to take our lives to the next level... babies were in the near future for us both and oh did we have grand plans!

Within 2 months - was it even that long? - you busted me and outed my early pregnancy (you're so damn perceptive) and you delighted in my joy, toasting my apple juice with your glasses of bubbly. We giggled and hooted about how fertile I was and agonized over your own fertility issues, googling and questioning what could be wrong... why weren't you conceiving?

And then while you were on vacation I lost the baby. That was one of the hardest parts of that loss... and you knew it. The timing was horrible since you were my closest local accomplice and I know it killed us both that we were apart for that. Nevertheless, you came back and we delved into the reasons why, fought back the tears, clinked our glasses and vowed to continue our struggles.. both of us.

And then finally in January you giddily announced your impending arrival to me. I want you to know that I was excited for you.. and still am, and I apologize if I was distant at times. My hurt was still fresh and my tears still not dry.
......And then you moved.
......And then I got pregnant again.
......And then I lost it again.
Today you are 7 months pregnant and now live 4 hours away from me. Your life sounds fabulous and I am so excited every time I speak to you and you tell me more about Isabella-Rose and how much she's growing and wiggling inside of you. I love hearing about baby-yoga and all of the fabulous classes you're taking as you near your due date. I wish nothing but the best for you, E and the baby who is destined to be a knockout, not to mention a scholar.

So here is where my problem lies "K"....

I have recently received your baby shower invitation which is beautiful and so "you". I want so badly to share in your joy but shamefully I must ask you to excuse me since apparantly I am still a selfish, immature, self-centered, egotistical ass and cannot bring myself to sit in a room filled with the joy I so desperatly wanted for myself.

I promise to you that I will come visit you later this year after your little one arrives. Hopefully by then "Dad" and I will have some more concrete reasons as to why this keeps happening and the envy would have subsided with the knowledge of what needs to be done. For now we are living way too much in the unknown and that makes this all the more hard.

I know you get it, coz you're "K" and you're a fabulously understanding, supportive, compassionate and beautiful friend. I know you won't hold this against me and I want you to know it's not that I don't want to be there, I just don't think that I am emotionally ready to be there yet.

I love you girl and again, I'm sorry.